Castles in the Air April 4, 2008

I long to taste adventure like the nature of the sea,
Always moving, always hiding all the creatures from beneath.
Singing silent songs of sadness my heart waits for its chance,
To dance upon the ashes of my burned up little plans.

And I stand alone before the night.
My nakedness is so clear in the glow of the moonlight.
Life is old but so short.
We are young, we want more.

I’m drowning, but I don’t care,
‘Cause when you got what I got, what I got
Who needs air?
I don’t need air.

My addiction to danger like the rush of the sea,
Like a wave on the rocks the lessons crash down on me.
I don’t need to prove the world to you only to myself.
So step back and look away as I dive into the swell.

I’m drowning, but I don’t care,
‘Cause when you got what I got, what I got
Who needs air?

So take me down to the river like a little child,
And take my hand and tell me it’s okay to be wild.
I never knew the world until I saw through your eyes,
I never knew myself until I ripped off my disguise
(I ripped off my disguise).

I’m drowning, but I don’t care,
‘Cause when you got what I got, what I got
Who needs air?

I’m drowning, but I don’t care,
‘Cause when you got what I got, what I got
Who needs air?
(I have come to the realization that life is more than what I have accomplished.
And life is more then the realization that we have accomplished nothing at all.)

I’m drowning, but I don’t care,
‘Cause when you got what I got, what I got
I don’t need air
(True success is so selfless so drown in the lyrics
of your life and give up the air that you breathe.
You don’t need anything. You don’t need anything.)

I don’t need air

Who Needs Air by The Classic Crime

That song builds my castles in the air.  (Also, oddly enough, I have a bad habit of imagining melodys to lyrics…the melody for this song matched what I had imagined.  Random Fact!)

I don’t know if it’s the tune or what that’s making me all air-castley.

In other news, I need to write a poem soon, for this poetry publishing thing…the people are all like “you’re an amazing poet! write a poem especially for our anthology!” I totally don’t believe that they actually like my poem that much, they just want me to write something to fill up their anthology. Oh well, I need another poem anyways for a more legit poetry competition. (Length limits on poems aggravate me. “Oh yes you can only have a 20-line poem.” Well, it just so happens that my best poem is about 70 lines long! Heh. I’ll post it here someday, it needs inventive spacing though which I don’t think is wordpress-friendly.)

In other other news, messenger and long distance relationships are both lame. I saw my boyfriend for the first time in four months on Saturday, and I don’t feel like I saw him at all. But I miss him more now b/c I did see him, even though it doesn’t feel like I did. It’s rather like a paradox.

I think that’s it.

Why I Put Up With The Fact That I Haven’t Seen My Boyfriend In Over Two Months: February 5, 2008

Josh: hey
Jessie: yeah?
Josh: I have a secret, u wanna here it?
Josh: course you do
Jessie: sure
Josh: I can fly
Slightly later…
Josh: oy, I really am going to bed
Josh: but!
Jessie: what?
Josh: I really can fly…

He’s the best. I know, that’s such a nerdy reason for him to be termed the best, but he told me all about these cool places he’s been to (the center of the earth, etc.) and it was really cool.

A strange kind of hopelessness… February 3, 2008

I’ve completely given up on the idea of the boyfriend doing anything spectacular at all for Valentine’s Day.  It’s just not going to happen…I’ve accepted that by now.  Ah well, things like that happen.  I figure, “This isn’t typical by any means…why should I ask him to do a typical thing?”  Ideally, he would do something on some completely random day to make up for missing my birthday, but I highly doubt this will happen either.So after Jacob, I was pretty spoiled; after Josh, I’ll be devoid of all expectations.  If, indeed, there is an after Josh.  I’m SO glad he doesn’t actually read this (although, he does have the link) because he would completely flip out!However!!!!  I have been given permission  to plan stuff for him for valentine’s day.  So, being the highly unique and creative person that I am, I have come up with a two-part plan:1. Give him a snake valentine.  Haha this doesn’t make sense, you’ll just have to see it to believe it.So. There happens to be an amazing store that sells every stuffed animal imaginable. I’m going to buy a snake that looks like the one in the picture, arrange it like that, put the picture in with it, and send the whole thing off to him in the box.2. I’m going to buy him a domain name for his website. Currently it’s 25set.netfirms.com but I’m going to buy him one so it’ll just be 25set.com. I don’t know if he’ll be excited or not. I hope so.Well that’s all I have at the moment! 

Argument February 1, 2008

I had an argument with my boyfriend last night.  It was one of those confusing, ridiculous arguments…you know, the kind where you have no idea what’s going on…here’s the major part of it.  

 Josh says: (12:38:06 AM)i’m being really laid back about things, but i guess that hurts ppl, so i’ll start doing things? hopefully? or something like that…| 

macilwen says: (12:38:59 AM)lol yeah it kinda shows a pretty extraordinarily large amount of cluelessness (in relationships at least)|

Josh says: (12:39:14 AM)RELATIONSHIP!!!!

Josh says: (12:39:17 AM)what!

Josh says: (12:39:25 AM)clueless

Josh says: (12:39:27 AM)…

macilwen says: (12:39:28 AM)what’d I do????????

Josh says: (12:39:44 AM)who cares what RELATIONSHIP is!

macilwen says: (12:40:09 AM)CONFUSION!!!!!!!! and redness of face!

Josh says: (12:40:21 AM)relationships, what is that?

Josh says: (12:40:24 AM)idk

Josh says: (12:40:27 AM)u don’t know

macilwen says: (12:40:35 AM)josh

Josh says: (12:40:39 AM)we make it up as we go along

 

I had gotten really annoyed at him for 1. “forgetting” to do anything for my 18th; 2. not taking the idea of valentine’s day seriously; and 3. disappearing at random moments.  (He’s disappeared right now actually, his MSN thing says he’s online but he’s apparently not there. Actually, now he’s offline completely…) I ended up kind of ranting…I’m not one to say what I really feel at people, especially when I think that it might upset them, which is why I haven’t bugged Josh more about stuff.  He took me by surprise by the above.  It was definitely really unlike him to explode like that…but I’m glad he did.   He later explained that he reacted so violently because what he expects of me is for me to be myself, and he thought that I wasn’t being myself when I said things like that.  He’s so weird and incomprehensible sometimes…but at the same time, he makes a ton of sense.  “we make it up as we go along” — I love that! So yes, that’s my life. 

Impressed December 24, 2007

Well, it’s Christmas Eve, and I definitely need to write in this more.  But right now, I don’t have time.  I just want to communicate how impressed I am with my boyfriend at the moment.  For Christmas, he sponsored two Bible verses in my honor to be translated for the Ache people of Paraguay, who don’t have the Bible in their language.  Here’s where you can see the verses sponsored by him — they’re the two at the very bottom.  I am so impressed with him right now.  The verses are Romans 5:1-2:

 Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory.

 Definitely highly impressed with him right now.  He’s an excellent kid.